The Demotivator

People hire him to derail others progress at any gym.  He's a spoiler, a cooler like William H. Macy in that gambling movie.  The only difference is here, he saps your will to achieve.

There you are minding yer own business on a treadmill and this dude saddles up to you.

"Hey man, ya think you could spot me?"

Sure, you say why not.  Before you know it, he knows your whole life story.  On the way out he says

"Yo, you coming tomorrow? We should totally workout together?"

Now, you will die by a thousand cuts.

The following day, he walks in with two 16 oz red bulls.

"Here, I brought one for you and some niacin."

You don't want to be rude, so you drink the red bull in the gym and pop a few niacin.  You feel sick to your stomach from too much caffeine.  The niacin makes your skin flush bright red and it feels like its on fire.  After a lackluster workout he goes.

"Yo, we need some protein STAT, ride with me I know a place."

He proceeds to drive to McDonalds where he insists they serve the best fruit smoothies.  While you're there, he buys some chicken nuggets with dipping  sauce.  

The next day you don't see him at the gym, but he catches you as you are walking out.

"Yeah, I was here this morning."

You ask, what muscle group did he do?

"I did all of em, universal workout, that's what I call it.  Did you do any cardio bro?"

No, you admit reluctantly.

"Great, we'll do some road work."  

He then proceeds to grab his overzealous puppy, who's been yelping the whole time, chained to a nearby railing.  The dog jumps all over you, barking and drooling.   

Leaving gym parking lot, you try to make conversation.  The dog stops every 5 seconds to change direction, chase a squirrel or just sit down.  

Hey, how come you never seem to do cardio?

"Whatya mean we're doing cardio right now?"

No, we're walking around town at a leisurely pace.  There's no way we're hitting a target heart rate of 160, we're not even sweating.

"Who cares about heart rate?"

Well, I ...think that's the definition of cardio?

"Listen, there's all kinds of different heart rates dude."  He belches "...and you don't have to sweat to lose calories."

ohh?

You are constantly stopping & starting and you have no idea what direction you are going.  Finally, at dusk, on the other side of town he goes.

"Welp, I live down here, so i'll see you later."

The Demotivator lights a victory cigarette as he walks away.

The End.