A Blue Guy

"Here's to a blue guy, he will be missed.

Bastard you were, not to be forgotten.

Beer tastes the same but the jokes are rotten."  

A Blue Guy:

At a fraternity pledge meeting, Matt can’t stop laughing because he got high before the meeting.  He gets high before every meeting.  Unfortunately, when you laugh, they make you stand up and tell a joke.

Pledgemaster:  Tell us a joke Matt.  

Matt:  An Irish guy, a black guy and an Italian walk into a bar…

Pledgemaster:  My roommate’s black!  

Matt: Alright dude, a blue guy then.

Everyone busts out laughing as a rain of ice cubes falls upon the entire pledge class.

Marching Madness:

Later in the week, Matt comes back to the room and he looks a lil nervous.  He walks out and I go down to the lounge to study.  

Keith walks up to me and goes “Yer room-mate got us in a lil bit of trouble?”  

I go “What the blue guy joke, they loved that shit?”  

Keith goes no, not that one.  Keith is a real nice guy and we actually went to high school together, tho we run in different circles.   He is far bigger and stronger than me and is known to have a temper.  I run through my mental checklist of all Matt’s sins.  Not wanting to incriminate myself, I say “Keith I don’t know”.   

Apparently, Matt was talking shit to Kyle, our pledge master about college basketball.  Duke was playing UNLV and Matt had an opinion about who would win.  The loser had to run around Centennial Lake twenty times.  The problem was if Matt lost, we would all have to run around the lake twenty times.  Duke beat UNLV and the entire pledge class had to run around the lake.  Brother Kurt was all yicked up on coke and thought it amusing to run indian sprints around us but we had no such chemical stimulants.  Then, they made us run indian sprints and every time someone would pass Matt they would mumble ominous threats of violence against his person or punch him in the leg.

The Angry Samoan:  

I told Matt not to wake me up because I had an exam in the morning.  He was drinking down the hall at Pat & Dave's but kept coming back to the room every 20 minutes or so.  He would kick open the door, turn on the lights, rummage around the room and then leave without closing the door or turning off the lights.  He did this about four times and I was getting angrier each time. The fifth time he does this, the door opens but the light isn’t turned on.  In fact he seems to be having problems opening the door.  I am angry and puzzled, waiting for an opportunity to confront him.  Then a hand clumsily reaches into his change jar and is rooting around.  Finally, I get up and say what are  you doing?   

Matt:  Hey buddy, is she good looking because I can’t really tell, I’m lil drunk?  

Me:  The one on the pay phone? I glance in her direction and then back at Matt "Smoking hot" I see a large polynesian woman by the pay phone in a leather skirt and I wave hello with my fingers.

Matt:  Really? 

Me:  Look at that skirt, come on.  

Matt:  Ok thanks, yer a good friend.  

I go back to sleep only to  wake up a few hours later to the sound of Matt slamming the door open again but this time the light doesn’t go on.  I then hear the sound of what to me was a very long zipper, like sleeping bag.  I turn over and see a large polynesian woman naked with Matt heaving on top on her.  Our beds are both against the wall facing the same corner.  I’m trying to sleep but they’re  wrestling around like two water buffalo, there’s a lot of grunting and friction noises.  I can’t sleep but I figure if a take a quick look then maybe then I’ll be able to drift off.  While I’m thinking this, it suddenly gets quiet. Oh, nice they’re finished, I can go to sleep.  Relieved, I turn my head to look, why did I look?  Matt is straddling the big samoan girl (titty fucking her) and his knee is about an inch from my face.  I almost throw up but I can’t look away.  The worst part is, he doesn’t even look like he’s having a good time.  He looks like a old cowboy and the end of a long trail.  I shudder and try to sleep as dawn approaches.

The next morning, I wake up for class and ever so quietly leave the room while the two of them are fast asleep.  When I return from class Matt is presenting evidence to Rich, a guy we called 'Mom', our moral authority in those days. Matt pleads with Rich like a line judge at Wimbledon, he says it was my fault that he slept with a very unattractive woman.  Apparently, there’s a social contract between roommates and I violated it somehow.  The whole thing was my responsibility “…and If anyone should be made fun of... it’s George”.  Mom laughed his response to Matt in a summary judgement.

Classic Pick Up:

Classic Matt Pick up lines:  You wanna do this or not?  Ya wanna see my Smiths poster?  Its pretty awesome, I have all of there albums.  

Classic George counter-line: He don’t have all their albums.  He does not have any of their albums.  Please, please don’t fuck her on my bed.  Get off my bed, get off my bed.

Classic Dave pick up Line:  Are you in my Dec Sci class? Do like JetSkis? I rent JetSkis all Summer.

Classic Matt counter-line:  Aren’t you in Dave’s Dec Sci Class?  (Who?)  Dave, that guy over there, one looks like the Campbell soup kid.  He’s in a class called DecSci and apparently everyone here, is in it.  Listen, I heard he killed a guy last summer with a jet ski. (hmm) Yup, kinda sad.

This is crazy, this is crazy:

Matt doing yayo somewhere ( I wish I could remember where?) He turns to me, clapping his arms, imitating Walt (Griswald from Family Vacation when he goes swimming with Christie Brinkley)  “…This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy…Yo my boy”  

For years afterward, whenever Matt was about to do something questionable he would look at me, clap his hands and go  “…This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy.”

The Drip:

JJ: “Ya know what cuts the drip Matt?  Champagne.  Glenn’s got a bottle he’s been saving in his room for his girlfriend’s birthday.”

Matt:  “Dude, that’s a great idea.  George you’ll have to go get the block to key his door.”

George:  “Fuuckkk yuuu”

Matt:  “Dude no one will suspect you, yer innocent of anything.”

George:  “Nope”

JJ:  “Fuck it, we’ll all go”

We keyed Glenn’s room, stole his champagne and drank some of it sparingly.  Much to our surprise, it did stop the drip.  Then Glenn came home from work and wanted to hang out.  We were the only ones up at the hour in the house, so he decided to hang out with us.  At one point he sees the champagne bottle and goes “Oh you guys are drinking champagne, I’ve got another bottle in my room”.  I’m freaking out a lil bit and Matt knows it.  Both he and JJ are fucking with me, when they’re not fucking with Glenn.  Somehow, they stopped him from going back to his room, all the while talking about champagne.

The Girl with One Shoe:

David & Pat had a party in their room.   I go in and  there’s one cute sullen girl dancing to Soft Cell's “I stop the world and melt with you” I walk up to here and awkwardly say hello and she grimaces at me, as if to say go away.  I am crushed but it's the 2nd semester of college and I'm starting to get used to rejection.  I wander off to another room for a few minutes but the party is winding down.  I head to bed not too long after that.  

Everyone was pretty loaded that night and Dave got locked out of his room for some reason, as did Kerry (an older guy that used to buy beer for us all the time) and a commuter from Dave’s HS.  So there’s three drunk guys on the floor and Matt & I.  The girl who was dancing to Soft Cell earlier knocks on the door.  Apparently, she’s been locked out of her room as well and does not want to wake her room-mate.  Matt tells her she can sleep in our room.  I look up and go "oh sure" remembering who she was now.  Matt says you can sleep in my bed.  She looks at me and I smile “Oh, you can trust him” Here, let me put some music on, and I slip in a tape of the Smiths for Matt.  

I know how this is gonna go, jus like the Samoan from the week before.  Somehow, I feel like a lil kid that jus dropped a mouse into his pet snake’s cage.  I don't really care tho cause this one was kinda nasty to me earlier.  I've seemed to have found my moral dividing line.  However, it’s fairly quiet except for the three on the floor goofing around, so I fall asleep.  Earlier in the week we had a freshman seminar where they explained to us the importance of making drunk people sleep on their side lest they choke on their own vomit like Jimi Hendrix or Mama Cass.  

I wake up to the sound of gagging and I think "Shit, someones choking on their own vomit."  I stare at the floor looking to see who it is while my eyes adjust but then it stops.  A few minutes later the noise starts up again.  Finally, I hear where it is coming from and Matt goes “Ya wanna do this or not?”  The girl goes "I’m trying, stop pushing my head" and the choking noise starts up again.  I start to feel bad for this girl again, she gets up and wipes her face with a towel hanging on the wall.  Matt goes “Welp I’m join to bed now” to which she promptly bursts into tears.  Clearly, he meant for her to leave but now he’s backpeddling “You can stay, you should stay, stay.”  

The room get gets quiet again, I hear the door open and Matt walks down the hall, someone else walks out the door.  I assume its the girl and I get up but as I walk outside the room she’s standing there with one shoe in her hand.  Matt’s in the bathroom and one of the other guys from the floor is throwing up.  Matt goes “Did ya see that bitch, did ya see that ugly bitch in there?  She jus sucked my cock”.  At this point the girl with one shoe bursts into tears again and I walk into the bathroom to tell Coyle to shut up.  I’m trying to speak quietly and he goes “What she’s still here, I thought she left”.  Through gritted teeth, I'm like “Yer an asshole, shut up”.  

The three of us walk back to the room and she’s still standing, there tears rolling down her face.  He goes “Uh, uh you should stay”  She goes “Nooo, I better go” you can see that she wants him to try harder but Matt goes OK and tries the door handle.  However, the four of us are now locked out of the room with Kerry and Dave passed out in our room, we bang on the door.  The light goes on and everyone wakes up.  In fact, Matt says “Everyone wake up, my friend needs her shoe”  Five drunk guys roll around the room looking for her shoe but when we find it she’s gone.  She walked home at 4AM in the freezing cold with one shoe.  The next day Rob cut her shoe up with scissors for some reason like a retarded taxidermist with a trophy of sexual conquest.  It was a deck shoe, the kind you wear for sailing or dancing to “…I’ll stop the world and melt with you.”

Hannah's Breath:

Rob was dating a girl named Hannah from the swim team.  She was blond & cute and liked to drink with a swimmer's body.  Matt was annoyed because he just broke up with her roommate Christine and didn't want Rob to have a girlfriend either, for some reason.  He starts making little digs at her and Rob refuses to listen at first.  At one point, Rob asks me if Hannah is hot and I say “Hell yes, is it true they’re shaved all over?”.  

However, the next day he walks in and tells Matt “You were right dude, I’m gonna dump her, she’s a pig and she got really bad breath too man.”  Matt agrees, Christine says she never brushes her teeth.  I just look at Rob like he’s crazy and Matt let’s out an evil laugh of victory.  

Night Quills:

When Matt & Rob hung out together we called them the Toxic Twins because they would dare each other to do increasingly crazier feats of self destruction.  One afternoon, they were bored and broke.  They wanted to buy weed but no one would sell them any without cash.  

I was actually trying to study and they were annoying me so I said “Why don’t you guys drink the Nyquil from your care package?”  Incredulous, they asked what that would do and I explained that it was mostly comprised of alcohol.  They looked at each other and shrugged.

After drinking the contents of every care package in the hall, the went around the rest of the dorm. They knocked on every door and and asked for “night quills”(which every student received in a care package), claiming they were both very ill.  Some of the girls said they didn’t have Nyquil but offered them other cold remedies.  Their list of symptoms increased with every stop.  Later, they returned to the room trashed on a variety of over the counter cold, flu and sinus medicine.

Mr Potato Head:
Every night before going to bed, Matt would launch my Mr Potato Head against the wall.  My parents had given it to me, the Christmas before college because I complained that I never had one as a child. Every morning, I would pick up the pieces and reassemble the poor little guy.  He was made for abuse but that didn't mean he didn't have feelings I would tell Matt.  

At one point, Matt cut the fingers off Mr Potato Head.  He claimed it had contracted a venereal disease (due to my neglect) and he needed to amputate (all but the middle finger).  He said all this as if he had done me a great favor.  Later, we became friends but I’m not really sure how that happened?

Female Anatomy:

One night Matt bragged about going down on a girl after a night of drinking at McGuinns.

When I shrugged and looked unimpressed, he asked why?

 I told him she drank as much beer as we did.  Plus, those bar toilets were disgusting.

So what he replied, girls pee out of their butt.

I paused for a moment to collect my thoughts.  When I explained the truth to him, he quietly slinked out of the room and then quickly returned for his toothbrush.

I fell asleep to him mumbling "Dude, why didn't you tell me..." like I could have prevented it.

Chicken:  A Floersch story
Matt parked in a questionable part of town, waiting on a transaction.

Officer: "Um, what are you guys doing parked here?"

Matt: "I just went over there to get some chicken."

Officer: "So where's the chicken?"

Matt: "I ate it."

Officer: "Step out of the car please."

Food For Peanut:  

We sit down at a chinese restaurant and Matt’s says he starving.  However, when the waiter comes he says "I’ll jus have soup."  I order dinner and look at him strangely while we wait for Peanut to decide what to order.  The waiter comes back two more times before she finally decides.  

When the food arrives Peanut pokes her plate with a fork for a  few minutes and then stops eating.  What’s the matter Matt asks?  It’s not what I thought it was she mumbles with her pierced tongue.  That’s too bad and he grabs her plate and starts shoveling down food.  Peanut goes to  the bathroom and Matt says “I’m so tired of buying food that she never eats.  So, I jus eat whatever she orders.”

A Dirty Sexual Rat:

Lauren from a sorority walks into David & Pat's room.  Matt sitting at the bar, sullenly looks up at her “You look like a rat, a dirty sexual rat.”  Lauren giggles nervously while Matt continues “Ya dirty lil sexual rat.”  An uncomfortable silence follows.  After she leaves, Dave goes I don’t think she knew you were joking Matt.

Matt deadpan goes "I wasn’t joking."  

Rockstar:

After a sorority formal (A bunch of guys in the house were invited to) I walk down the empty hall and hear music playing Jane’s Addiction “Here we goooooo”.  Most of the guys are still with their dates. Anyone still left in the house, are the unlucky few.  Matt’s standing in his room hitting himself  in the head with a lamp,  trying to break the bulb.  He turns around & looks up at me and I go “Oh don’t stop now, you’ve almost got it licked, you crazy rockstar”  To which he responds “I hate this lamp, Dave's so stupid.”

Heavy D:

Matt:  Remember how I lost my license last week?  Well this dude found it. 

Me:  Heavy D?

Matt:  Yea, that’s funny…(continuing) and he said, he’d give it back to me for 20 bucks…for my license.

Me:  I’m gonna give ya the money, not because I believe ya, but because it’s such a good story.  

Matt:  (snatching the money)…and a gram, Thanks.

Picking up Matt says “Yo bro, is Heavy D out tonight?  He’s my boy, were tight.  Listen don’t fuck with me I gotta a 9mm in my glove compartment, aight”  Sitting in the back of my brand new Chevy S-10, I think there’s nothing in there but a spare key for the lug nuts. Homeless dude goes “Yo I’ll leave you my wallet with all my shit”.  He jumps out and I look in the wallet.  “Matt’s there’s just a bunch of business cards here.”  Matt goes “What’s that?  Ahah, we got his key at the YMCA”.  I go well that’s great, what are we gonna do raid his locker?  Matt  thinking now, jumps out of the truck and runs off into the darkness.  I’m stuck there contemplating what to do at 3AM in the middle of Elizabeth?  A few minutes later, I see somebody running back towards truck.  I’m behind the wheel now, should I run him over?  Oh wait, that’s Matt and he’s smiling.

Whoa Man:

Once again, in Asbury in the RX-7 at 2AM with me in the trunk and Matt & Jose, drunk up front.  “Yo what’s up my man, can you get any?”  Dude says sure but not here.  Alright Matt says jump in, get in the back with George, dude.  I’m like "What there’s hardly any room in here man."  A lanky smelly fellow crawls into the trunk area with me, while I hold my breath.  Matt goes “So what’s up Man?”  Dude lying next to me in the trunk goes “Yo, I’m not a man, I’m a wo-man. Go over there”  Matt “Well, whatever whoa-man, yer not leaving with our money unless you leave some sort of collateral, leave yer shoes”  She hands over a pair of smelly high tops and they throw them in the back with me.  They smell like stale fish fingers, I choke back a lil puke and go “This is starting to look like a bad After School Special.”  Matt & Jose laugh & sing “…if George had gone directly home, none of this would never have happened.”  I go that's a double negative you fuckheads, which only made them laugh harder.

Lil George & Big George:

After one of Judy’s world class parties at Mr Pillow’s house, I passed out next to some sort of aquarium in a round wicker chair.  I awoke at dawn to find an iguana stuck on my head.  I jump up freaked out and walked into the kitchen.  I see Jack (The owner of McCormick’s) sitting indian style, completely wasted on the floor of the living room.  This weird dude Star was lying naked on the couch with some hippy chick and both were passed out.  Star looked like a 70's disco throwback, complete with a lil painted coke pinky nail.  Apparently, they put on some sort of show for those who stayed awake beyond me?  Jack looks up at me bleary eyed and laughs “What’s a matter lil george, did somebody put a lizard on yer head?”  Haha, I said and stumbled to my truck realizing that the only way I would get some rest was to get home.  Later,  Matt & judy awoke and she asked Jack where I went, he replied  “Lil George went home, cause big george (Matt) was getting a piece a pussy”  Matt loved retelling that last bit like a line from a funny movie.

Poor George:

Another night, we go drinking with Judy and she had friends behind every bar.  I went into the bathroom at the Budapest for a moment of sanity.  I walk out to find six shots of Irish Mist on the bar.  “Judy there’s only three of us” to which Matt replies “ohh, I already drank mine”  Judy quietly says “Jus drink it george” but I refuse “Drink it” a lil more forcibly.  “Nope” I say to which she screams like banshee “Drink it” and I relent.  I choke down the better part of three shots and fight the urge to hurl.  I don’t remember much after that other Judy patting me on the back and soothingly saying “Now, that wasn't so bad was it?”.  The next day, as I was throwing up she lamented “…Poor george, he’s always throwing up”  To which Matt replies “That’s cause you always make him drink”.

Special Directions:

In Belmar, after drinking all night.  Dave stopped at Wawa for directions.  He’s sober and can’t find his way out of town, on a saturday, in the middle of the summer.  He thinks it’s a good idea to ask for directions and we are drunk enough to agree.  We get out of the car and I politely ask a cop if he could give us some directions but he ignores me.  Dave goes inside to get some coffee.  Matt goes “I think I’m gonna puke”.  I look around and no longer see the police and say “Well, go behind the building at least”.  

I did not see the police but they were still there, about six of them, all specials.  Specials are hired for the summer and only the most aggressive are kept at the end of the season.  I follow Matt behind the store, he’s puking, I’m pissing and it starts to rain.  Mimicking Judy, I go in falsetto “Poor Matt, he’s always throwing up”  I turn around and all six cops are walking towards us.  The one that ignored my request for directions looks at me “Did you just urinate on that wall”  Stunned, I look at Matt and then back at him “What wall?”  The cop replies that wall over there with urine on it.  I do my best to look puzzled and Matt tiredly replies “Dude, it’s raining”  The cop clearly exasperated “Yer not supposed to be back here”.  We walk back outside and Dave nervously asks what happened.  I respond “We were getting directions”, we both laugh, get in the car and wave goodbye to the specials.

Old Man:

One night at my apartment Judy showed up late so I let her and Matt have my bed and crashed on the couch.  In the morning she left early, so I asked Matt how everything went.  He jus shook his head and said “I’m getting tired of her man…she was so proud of the fact that she dyed her pussy hair blue but I told her it jus made her look like an old man, blech”.

Tips:

One night we went to McC and the door guy gave us (Me, jose, mark & dennis) a hard time getting in.  I see Matt who was already in the bar and I go “What’s their problem, they act like they don’t know us every time we’re here?”  We close this bar at least three times a week.  Matt goes which one?  I go the one that looks like a retarded super-hero with the long johns and shorts.  Matt goes “Oh yea, that dude’s a dick, he accused me of stealing tips off the bar”.  I pause and go “Did you?” Matt offended replies “Of course not…they weren't his tips anyway.”

Seven Songs:

We used to  go to the Dublin House every Sunday night and every time the same guy would play the same 7 songs.  At first, we thought he was pretty good but after a few weeks we noticed that he never altered the setlist or even tried to play any other songs.  After a while, we began to loathe this poor guy because we were sick of hearing the same 7 songs over and over again.  One night, I kept losing Matt in the bar and every time I wandered over to the bar area, I would look at the bottle of Boodles.  He was the only one drinking from it and and each time I noticed the liquid depreciate, I knew he was near.  This game of hide & seek continued for a while.  Later, I found him patiently listening to the guitar player and I tried to explain my methods of deduction.  Whilst debating the merits of something I can’t recall, he paused mid sentence politely and said “Hold on a second (turns to acoustic guitar guy during a lull and yells) You Suck!” (everyone in the bar looks at us) He turns back to me a goes “Please continue”  A large angry fellow at one of the tables stands up and walks over “Hey you, hey, you think you can do any better? Hey, hey you hear me”  Matt hands him a credit card receipt like he’s the waiter “Could you take care of this for me”  The guys looks at me in fury and bewilderment.  I shrug as if to say sorry, what can ya do?.

Freshen' Up:

After one of the weddings (the one where Matt and Jose got into a fight) we go to Red Bank the next day to drink thru a hangover.  We walk into the Dublin House bar in the back yard and everyone is drinking bloody mary’s and sharing a single copy of the Sunday NY Times while the horse races are on.  Matt says “I think we found the perfect place”  We motion to the bartender, we'll have what they're having.  We drank there for a few hours and then walked over to the Downtown Cafe.  Along the way Matt sees a chubby, teenage girl and encourages her to pull her shirt up, which she does.  Matt’s not happy with this and motions her over.   I go “What the fuck Matt, we’re gonna wind up in jail”  Matt ignores me and turns to his new found friend  “Show me them titties girl”.   I did she says but Matt says he could’nt get a good look from across the street.  I start walking away but turn around just long enough to see her flash Matt a giant pair of teenage breasts.  

We walk into the Downtown and the only ones there are a manager and a busboy.  The busboy is ecstatic because he has never gotten to bartend before.  Matt orders a martini but convinces him to let him have the shaker.  After speaking with him for a few minutes, he convinces him to “freshen up” his drink.  Apparently, this kid thinks a martini is like a bottomless cup of coffee.  We drink there for a few hours and a blues band starts up.  Matt says he’s in love with the 60 yr old black blues lady singer and I tell him he should “Go for it”.  He does, he grabs her and starts kissing her.  She looked pleased and confused.  She was not sure what to do with herself and said as much.  As we left, Matt was still not sure if it was a good idea.  “Oh it was” I assure him “….and I can’t wait to tell everyone we know”.  “Yer a lil fukker” he replies.  In the car halfway home “Where’s my Replacement’s tape?” I ask him.  In my shirt pocket he says.  The next day he asks me where his shirt is “With my replacements tape fuck-o…at the bar”  “What bar?” he asks.  The one where you kissed the old blues lady, I smile.  Matt “I thought we agreed not to talk about that?”  To which I replied “Noooo” with a shake of my head.

Anything I Can Do?:

Drinking all day in Red Bank, I’m starving I say let’s go to Murphy’s Grille and get some food.  I order but Matt’s having a hard time pronouncing the words rum & coke.  He points at me in frustration and says “you tell’er”.  I explain that he’s not hungry but rather thirsty.  Matt limped off to the bathroom.

Waitress:  Is there anything I can do for your friend?

I scratch my ear:  I think he jus needs to find the men’s room, it’s that way right?

Waitress:  No I mean, well I don’t mean to pry but what’s wrong with him?  Does he have MS or something like that?

Me:  Oh no, (I smile, understanding now) no, there’s nothing wrong with him, (I clear a piece of meat from my teeth) he’s jus really drunk.
A look of absolute disgust  creeps over the waitress’s face as she turns away.  A few minutes later an entirely different waitress appears with our bill.

We Forgot The Rum:

One quiet evening, I hear someone walk up on the gravel in front of my apartment.  Jose & Matt appear at my door, both with a chorus of "What's up dickhead" as they walk past on their way to kitchen.  

Matt goes “We forgot something Jose, soda, we have soda…oh rum we forgot the rum.”

Jose “…but george has rum."  

Matt “Problem solved”

Jose “Oh wait, all he has is this cheap shit.  Don’t you have any rum, any real rum?”

Jose & Matt proceed to drink my whole bottle (rare at that time) of Gosling's Bermuda Rum and complain the whole time how it wasn't Baccardi…fukkers

Last Time:

Coming back from work on a hot friday afternoon, all I want to do is eat something and go to sleep.  Then I pull up and see a green Jetta parked in front of my apartment.  Matt & Jose are sitting in my back yard.  “Oh great yer here, Jose needs to use yer bathroom (Matt taps his stomach) and I need to make some calls”

Me:  I don’t think I…

Matt:  Don’t worry it’ll be fun, like last time.

Me:  When you burned a hole in my coffee table?

Matt:  No, the time before that.

Me:  The time you broke all my kitchen chairs and mark fell into the oven?

Matt:  Ok, then the time before that.

Roofers From Keansburg:

We all go to Sandy Hook and are standing on the beach, I notice that Matt & Jose are both wearing cut-off jeans.  They turn to each other as if to say “Yo, we look good”.  I go “You two look like a couple of roofers from Keansburg”.  Jose then runs full speed & dives into the water.  Unfortunately,  he dove while the wave was receding and almost broke his neck like Fred Flintstone.  We all stopped for a moment in shock at his stupidity.  Once we realized he would live, Matt & I wrote a song about how we thought we would have to send a singing telegram to Jose’s mother if he died.  It went something like:

 “Su hijo, nadie enseñó a nadar o no de buceo en una ola de retroceso” 

(Your son, no one ever taught him how to swim or not to dive on a receding wave)  

“Su hijo, Abe murió en el sol y el mar”  (Your son, Abe died in the sun & the sea)

“Su hijo, a él le gustaba ir a la playa vestido como un techador de Keansburg”  

(Your son, he liked to go to the beach dressed like a roofer from keansburg)

“Su hijo, Abe murió en el sol y el mar”  (Your son, Abe died in the sun & the sea)

“Su hijo, pasaba todo su tiempo con mujeres Aplasta Quaya”  

(your son, he spent all his time with female pavement stompers)

“Su hijo, Abe murió en el sol y el mar”  (Your son, Abe died in the sun & the sea)

“Su hijo, bebía demasiado y salía con los irlandeses sucia”  

(Your son, he drank too much and hung out with the dirty Irish)

“Su hijo, Abe murió en el sol y el mar”  (Your son, Abe died in the sun & the sea)

“Pero aún así havethe buen hijo, Javie, Ole’”  

(But you still have the good son, Javie, Ole’)

Later that day, Jose looked up at a plane towing a sky-banner and said “Oh look, 99 cent smor-gas-surf-boards, what does that mean?”

Pole Dancers:

At Uncle Charlie’s, a woman with massive scars on her belly ambles up to us.  I try to look away and think of a polite exit and Matt yells directly at her “Jesus honey looks like you lost that knife fight”  I look up in horror and say “I think it’s time to go” while the dancer yells expletives for the bouncer.

The Land of Misfit Strippers:

One time Matt & Jose show up at my apartment and insist on going to a strip club.  I’m broke and kinda annoyed, so I go alright let’s go to Pumps in town.  We walk in and sit down at the bar and order a few beers.  It’s very dark inside, Matt can’t understand why I’m suddenly so happy but he knows I’ve gotten one over on him somehow.  Matt look over at me and says ominously “What have you done?”  To which I reply “Welcome to the Land of Misfit Strippers”.  He and Jose look around for the first time and notice that all of the dancers are old and and kinda haggard.  Matt pretends not to care while Jose recoils in horror.  Jose holds up a shaky hand for another beer and is forced to buy a round.

Modern Pick Up:

Matt used to tell women in bars that we were in a band todether.  

They would look at me & Jose for approval and I would nod knowingly.  

Matt would belch and say:  We’re called PBR Streetgang

Matt trying to pick up a soccer mom at Jose Teja’s

So what do you do for a a living?

Matt:  Oh, I drive a tank, these guys are gunners.

You mean A a truck… or a big car?

Matt:  No mam, a battle tank 

Tank?

Matt:  They’re a lot faster than you think.

A Practice Engagement:

At the combination Coyle & Terra Engagement / Birthday Party.  Jose & I walk into the back yard and are greeted by Matt's brother:  "The plumber and Puerto Rican are here.  I told him not to invite you guys but he insisted."  Jose & I trade glances as if to say, well I guess this means we no longer have to be polite.  Jose then proceeds to get seriously drunk while glaring at everyone who makes eye contact.

Matt solemnly announces:  Hey, I wanna talk to you guys about something important (Out front of his brother’s house)

Me:  Alright, great.  Is that a new car?

Coyle:  Dude, I’m being serious, you should listen.

Me:  Yer not gonna try and sell us AmWay, are you?

Jose:  Are you? Like Tony?  

Coyle:  Yo dude, will you listen I’m trying to tell you about how I’m gonna get married, me & Terra, this is real.  We're getting hitched.

I snort sarcastically:  Yer not gonna get married, tell me about the car?  BMW nice…

Matt incredulous walks away "Unbelievable."

I walk into the back yard with Jose and someone is telling a story about salsa dancing to circle of friends.  Jose interjects accusingly "Oh, you know something about salsa dancing? Hmm?"

The guy smarmly responds "Well, I was at the El Calafate in Argentina, where they invented the dance, soo."

Jose "Ohh soo, so you know some argentinians and they know something about salsa dancing?"

There's an awkward pause when everyone, including some poor lady in a wheelchair, thought there was going to be a fist fight.
Matt oblivious, walks out into the yard and goes "Yo, Rob tell everyone how you used to fuck cantaloupes in the microwave."  Everyone, except Robs starts laughing.  Rob hooks Matt's leg and quickly drags him into the grass for a heart to heart talk about telling stories in mixed company.

A Horrible Little Man:

The first time I met Tilly, Matt’s bride to be, I thought two things.  First, she looks just like Blythe Danner’s daughter, not Gwyneth 'goop' Paltrow mind you but her mother, Blythe Danner.  She also seems very kind, like a person blessed with infinite patience.  I thought she’s gonna need it, if she’s gonna marry Matt.  He & I went out drinking that night and I remember paying most of the way.  In typical Matt fashion he promised to buy breakfast the next day.  

The three of us walked to a nice, brightly lit place near their apartment the next day.  I can’t remember the name of it but it was down the street from Davis’ Pub near the bridge.  Along the way, he told me about his new daily routine living with Tilly.  He said that he would go to bed with Tilly every night at the same time as her.  However, once she fell asleep he would get up and go drinking.  When it was near dawn he would crawl into bed for a few minutes and then jump up with his alarm.  She was working at the time and he was not, so he would get up before her, make coffee and read the paper.  Once she left for work he would jump back into bed and pass out til noon.  He was quite proud of the fact that she was supposedly oblivious to this method.

When we got to the restaurant, we waited a few minutes for a table.  Once seated, I remember Matt ordered Corned Beef Hash.  At first, I thought of the dog food in can that normally comprises hash.  However,  it was homemade and looked pretty good; I was jealous of his luck as usual.  A few minutes into breakfast Matt says he doesn't feel well and think’s he’s gonna faint.  I, being used to Matt and his grifter ways ignored his theatrics.  In fact, I thought, he’s trying to get out of paying for breakfast, that bastard.  Matt put his head between his knees and continued to breath heavy for a few minutes.  Everyone was quiet for a moment and I looked up at Matt & said “If you pass out, I’m gonna eat your hash.”  Tilly recoiled in horror, she looked at me like I was a reptile and shook her head as if to ask “Who is this horrible little man?”

Late For A Wedding:

A few years later, we are late for Matt & Tilly’s Wedding rehearsal driving through DC.  It’s Cherry Blossom Festival so there’s Japanese tourist everywhere taking photos, construction on almost every corner.  Lastly, the circus is quite literally in town for the winter, so there’s the added element of  trailers and equipment littering the road.  We are late, we are very late.  

We had to go back to Annapolis to get Matt’s tuxedo and the ring.  Matt yelled at the tuxedo lady for ten minutes about cummerbunds and then jumped out of the car while it was still moving in order to pick up the ring.  I had to keep moving because of traffic and parked in the police lot down the street.  When he called me to pick him up I had to drive over an embankment, while an off-duty cop with his gun belt slung over his shoulder looked at me with a puzzled look like “Did he really jus do that in front of me?”

Back in downtown DC, Tilly’s on the phone yelling at Matt.  We’re running red lights, making illegal turns.  Matt’s yelling at people to move as we dart in & out of traffic lanes.  Finally, I start beeping my horn.  

Matt:  “Yea George, get angry”

Me:  “I’m not really angry Matt, I jus really gotta piss”

Matt:  “Motivation, excellent”

As soon as we walk into the church, Tilly’s mom snaps “I don’t wanna hear anything, get in line”

Matt quickly turns to me “Dude, don’t”.  He stopped me before I could give a proper response.

Last Chance:

At his funeral, we all lined up in the lobby of the church.  This was the same church, they were married in a few years ago.  Before the procession began, I knocked on his wood grain coffin and marveled that it was real oak wood.  I guess they're gonna burn ya buddy?  I leaned in and whispered “Last chance to wake up muthafukka.”  At that point, I choked back an audible sob that somehow got picked up by the priest's microphone and reverberated through the hall.  I could smell the same shitty incense from Catholic school that I knew meant death.  I sat down in the front row, next to the same cousin that I stood with at the wedding.  Apparently, they do these things is descending order from tallest to shortest, in the beginning as in the end.  All I could think was "Who's gonna explain my jokes to Jose now?"

One of Matt’s favorite quotes: “There he goes. One of God’s own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind, never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.“ ~HST